The burden of awareness

I can be selfish. I can be egoistic. I can be transactional. I can be filled with envy, sometimes anger. I can be impatient. Judgmental. Unkind.

I crave attention, hold grudges, flatter to impress. Not all the time but yes I sometimes pretend to care, get drunk on praise and love conditionally. And oh, I can be passive aggressive.

Sometimes I am all of the above.

Many times when I am getting work done, writing a gratitude journal, sitting with people for lunch, dancing with friends, reading a good book, practicing the keyboard, doing living things, I can be amazing.

But sometimes in the dark, on my toilet seat or under the sheets of my quiet room, I remember. I remember that I also carry within me all the things I detest. I remember the recent moments that give these tendencies credence.

And I determine to be better today, tomorrow…

But it’s a lot in those moments of awareness — when you know you are not all ‘that’.

Sometimes I envy the ones who don’t think about these things. They just be their sh*tty selves, sometimes ignorantly, sometimes audaciously. No burden, no remorse, good sleep for those ones.

And perhaps, no growth for those ones.