On this day last year

One year ago today, I made the hardest decision of my life.

My narrative self wants to say: “It was the right thing. It was hard, but necessary. And in the end, it turned out fine.”

But if I could replay the last 365 days, it wouldn’t come out that neatly. It would be a story of anxiety, sadness, hope, joy, fear, guilt, despair, clarity, stupidity, confidence, happiness, doubt, freedom, condemnation, exuberance, and gratitude.

That wasn’t a random word salad. That’s my rough attempt at mapping the terrain. And even that doesn’t do full justice.

Above it all stands gratitude. For life, for care, for people, for faith, for hope, for vision.

Sometimes beautiful things end. Sometimes they weren’t as beautiful as they seemed. Sometimes my broad smile is real. Sometimes I’m just being nice.

So next time you ask me, “How are you?”, you’d better not be in a hurry to hear “I’m fine.” I may want to pause to find the word for that exact moment.